The day I learned that Billy Connolly shared my utter contempt, my revulsion, my deepest loathing for the colour beige, I think I fell a little bit in love with him. Because to me, beige is the colour of all white underwear after a few turns in the washing-machine. It's the colour snowy white pillow cases turn, so your bold black & white colour scheme exists only in your imagination after a couple of months. Beige is also the colour of the underneaths of things: the underneath of your most dashingly upholstered sofa is beige. As are the underneaths of my own arms in winter. Beige too, is renowned for being the colour of stodge: suet dumplings, porridge, sliced bread labelled 'wholewheat', and custard that you make from cornflour because you've run out of Birds gaily familiar yellow powder. It's also the colour of tie-dyed 'white-bits' when you use Household Bleach to strip colour. Or when it splashes on your clothes - so that instead of looking interesti...