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A Post for ALL my Followers




I've started to write this particular blog four (4!) times already.

Each time I did so the very clear plan in my head for what I intended to say was clear.  But somewhere in the pathway from mind to fingers something went seriously awry.

 With vague astonishment I discovered I had found it necessary to give a two page amusing account of walking in to my first room full of students in a Chinese University in Draft No. 1. 

Draft No. 2 became a bit of a re-cap of the state of my mental health which began at the age of 12.  I'd only got to about the year 2000 after 1,500 words.

I was sure I'd got it pegged by the time I began the 3rd draft and cunningly stopped after the first two sentences to see that my fingers were getting the message and doing as bidden. Well, at least this time they'd started off obediently - they were indeed typing about Twitter, and Followers, and  Positivity. It was only after the need to pee had desperately stifled all thought that I stopped typing. Fortunately.  It appears the flying fingers had been about the business of  being Inspirational and intent on reviving the classic 70's Fridge Magnet Philosophy.


By last night (Number 4), I was not in the least bit surprised that my pathway to expressing what I wanted to say was dependent upon stressing, in heartfelt terms, the impossibility of trying to use a kitchen with only one (1!) sink, and no broom cupboard; and washbasin taps which get hot (after about 5 minutes) or bring the icy chillness of melted snow. Separately. Not both together in a usable stream but in two bloody separate streams!!

I have put in the maximum procrastination allowed any functioning being for today - and am way over that permissible for any blog that one had simply got to get out of one's head. So this is it now. Chocks away.....

And I have finally broken through the clouds and am back into clear skies again. Where I discover that all it's really necessary to say is
                                          Thank You.


Out of all the losses of the past 6 years the loss of any confidence or faith in my ability to write has been the most profound. And nothing that's happened during that time has done anything other than fix the idea in my head that anything that had happened; or that I'd done; or been; before the year 2014 was irrevocably lost to me in the long past.

I've never claimed to be a Great Writer, or a Profound Writer, or even a Famous Writer.  But I did use to have the gift of communication. I'd been able to reach people, to help many, to amuse others, even to change a few lives.And I also paid the bills. I fought for causes, I initiated change...right up until Life served my a few too many whammies and my mind cracked open.



But I had met with nothing other than kindness a acceptance on Twitter and, just a couple of months ago, I took a huge step which took what little bravery I could still summon - changed my environment and started using Twitter just for myself - and not as representing anyone else in the world. And I began to feel as though - if I was very lucky, and if the stars were in the right position, and if I wore my Lucky Undies...maybe I'd be able to get back that voice which has so long been a part of me I couldn't stay sane without it?

And that's when one of those Internet Thingies went around. This one was to name 10 women writers whose voices should be heard more. And wow! There was MY name on the list one of my Followers put up!

I've tried to express the enormity of that seemingly small little piece of Twittering.  And I've proved 5 times now that I can't really get across what effect it had on me.

So I shall just close with a bit of a pat on the back, really: I have exquisite taste in Followers! So many of you have been so kind; all of you are supportive, some of you have even laughed at some of my jokes!

Guys, I probably will never say anything like this again - I am British, after all. And as soon as I press the "Post" button I'll probably start squirming with embarrassment. However, this was something I just HAD to write so, no matter how inadequately, or ramblingly, or embarrassingly, I have done so, I have finally done it.

So there you go. Things are looking up...and it's all because of the kindness of strangers.  Thank you all so much.


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Comments

  1. Annie Whitehead11 March 2020 at 07:08

    What a wonderful piece: of writing, and of positivity!!

    ReplyDelete

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