Apart from a rather cryptic post on my Twitter a/c that I had finally found a shrink, I've been in retreat for a couple of months. But this time it's not just because of the usual bi-polar incident. It's because I can't write. I can't read either. Ergo I'm not able to research. I'm unable to do anything creative. It's impossible to leave the house before the early afternoon. Time became fluid & has now slipped out the door; and I can't do anything creative to occupy my mind. In other words, I've lost the plot on how to, well, live my life.
Now, managing bi-polar since I was a child, I've learnt that every so often there comes a point I'm unable to live a normal life & need a bit of help: this is the point at which one is admitted to hospital. That point arrived about 6 years ago. And since then my meds have not been reviewed or altered; I've not had access to a shrink, and was only able to have 6 counselling sessions. I learnt that the only way to claw my way on was to simply pull down the blinds on any thoughts/subjects/memories/experiences/knowledge I couldn't handle & lock them away.
Simplistically I think what's happening now is that there are so many pulled blinds in my mind that they constantly whirl round and round inside my head manically, leaving room for nothing more. Except perpetual guilt that I'm not functioning properly and producing anything.
A couple of months ago, I glanced down at the Comment section on a You-tube video for the first time. What I saw first astonished me, and then started vibrating: here was the reason so many of those drawn blinds had "Education" written on them! THIS was the proof of all those predictions I'd made about what happens to populations when Education is administered and shaped through political ideology rather than by educators. This was a contributing cause behind so much of our divisions; this was why people didn't understand each other; this is the reason so many people are becoming more & more susceptible to misinformation. And yeah - this is why so many people are increasingly being described as "thick".
I'd discovered "Reacters". (Notice its spelt with an 'e' and not an 'o'. ) For those who aren't familiar with Reacters: - these are (mainly young) people - predominantly from the USA - finding out about life outside their own country. It's been a revelation. And I fell right down the well into the Slough of Despond again when the penny dropped: we - the UK & the USA - really are failing to educate our populations adequately. It's no longer a prediction.
All these reacters are undoubtedly hoping to make some money, just as one does as a writer or teacher or bricklayer. They chose to see if they could make money doing something they enjoyed and were good at, rather than sticking with jobs they loathe for the rest of their lives. I don't see that as an unreal expectation. And I think the search for knowledge - especially knowledge about the world we live in and those who inhabit it with us - is something to be encouraged and helped along.
But, while rejoicing in this quest, I was curious to see how much their supporters were helping the Reacters to make sense of their world. And that's how I came finally came to see so clearly exactly what happens once truth has been allowed to become subjective.
That there have always been people who don't do well in schoolrooms but who live happy, successful lives has been illustrated so often that one doesn't have to refer to specific studies. Thus, to me, the duty of being an educator should, at the very least, equip all students - regardless of how much education they receive, or their ability to pass tests - with the knowledge of how to find the truth; how to recognise truth in any situation they find themselves in.
Even though a school may not succeed in imparting strong literary rates amongst all the pupils; it still has a duty not to send people out into the world helpless. Apart from teaching them how to find the truth, they have also to learn that the road to the truth is through logic. Logical progression is the key to understanding how our world works. Whether making a cake or creating a chemical compound there is a logical progression from beginning to end. Empiricism cannot, by its very nature, be falsified. Thus once empiricism is declared invalid, there is no longer certitude, or guidance, or trust or morality. It means nothing can ever be proved to be true.
When the previous American Administration, publicly, in front of the whole world, declared Truth subjective: dependant on circumstances; valid if believed hard enough; subject to change; dependant upon what, if any, religion one espouses; capable of being fabricated... something inside me exploded. Without the validity of proof, reality becomes variable, there is no such thing as truth, and the human race begins to regress.
No person over the age of 7 should lack the basic tools and the self-confidence to be able to separate general fact from fantasy on their own. Thus no adult person should find childish fantasies believable; nor stories culled from movie plots & comic books to be feasible; nor be unable to distinguish (truth) reality, from illusion (fantasy).
There is always a group, in societies everywhere, who lack these basic tools of life through a particular psychopathy, or because of lack of intellect. This, however, does not happen in numbers significant enough to affect a nation or, indeed, others around the world.
There are still not enough people who suffer from the lack of knowledge of, or lack of belief in the solid, traceable, immutable facts which underpin our lives; to constitute a majority.Yet it is the shrill volume of those who consider they have the freedom, the right, to impose these minority views upon millions of people, which dulls & deadens the soul.
And that's when I realised that I couldn't write because I'd shuttered off my mind to my own ideas, and convictions and beliefs to such an extent that I didn't trust myself any longer - half of my self also hides behind those shutters. For our world has become so toxic, so judgemental, so shallow, so dishonest; that it takes a lot of courage and strength to express oneself knowing one is courting censure or abuse by doing so. And I'm so bloody weary of being strong it's not worth the effort.
So this is why finally, when the phone rang (I also find it hard to answer phones!) I felt as though, after 6 years of sliding through the cracks I'd at last been spotted down amongst the dust-balls, and here, at last, might get picked up. (On the other hand I could just be sent packing by a strong broom!) The first thing she did was to return me to the Lithium-like meds I've been struggling without all this time.And, though it's early days yet, I'm beginning to see the whirlwind in my head slow down a wee bit which I'm allowing myself to believe means something positive. It's a long climb, and gradual, back to pre-UK levels - certain amount of reaction means I'm still battling the side-effects.
So I'm not even making myself any promises about the future, let alone anyone else
But hey - I'm publishing this.
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